Better Barley

I checked a book out from my local library called, Better Barley and the Barbiturate Effects on the Body. I checked it out with a stack of other books on whole grains. I was curious about the nutritional values. Unfortunately, it slipped beneath some junk in my car and was lost for a few months. When I found it, I took it back to the library as soon as I could. I went to the counter and handed the book to the clerk, explaining that it was WAY overdue and I was prepared to pay my fine. I am, after all, a good citizen and enjoy the privileges of the library. 

The clerk scanned the book’s bar code and let out a soft gasp.

“I know,” I said apologetically, “It is really over-due.”

She glanced at me again and then said, “I’m sorry. We have a problem. Let me go talk to the head librarian.” She bustled away and I took a deep breath. 

How bad could it be? I peered around to see the computer screen and saw $38! What! 38 dollars? I could have bought the book 4 times and I didn’t even read the stupid thing.

I waited for what seemed like hours, but was probably only 5 minutes. The clerk came up to the counter again, this time with a lady who must be the head librarian. She had an authoritative look about her girthy frame. I quickly pulled out my check book and said, “I’ll pay the fine. I am so sorry to have kept the book so long. I misplaced it. But it won’t happen again.”

The head librarian shook her head and said, “No, I’m sorry, ma’am. This problem is more than money can solve. We are going to have to suspend your library card.”

“For how long? Isn’t there anything I can do? Maybe sanitize the puzzles in the children’s section?” I asked and thoughts raced through my mind. What would I do without my local library? Where else could I borrow 15 year old movies on VHS for free? How would I get my abs flat in 30 days without reading the latest issue of Shape on the library shelf? Where would Emma have story time to learn about urban farming? I had grown accustomed to checking out books almost weekly; novels, cookbooks, how-to anything books, and books on tape to listen to in my archaic tape player in the car. I had already learned so much from the some-what small selection of dusty volumes.

The ladies share a glance of disdain toward me and then the head librarian said, “After you pay your fine, your card will be suspended for 40 years.”

The words hit me with the full force of the punishment. “40 years?” I whispered. I gripped the counter as I started to tremble. No, no. This can’t be happening, I thought.

The librarian continued with her explanation of my judgment, “The library has rules in place regarding the misuse of books about drugs. We feel that it is in the best interest of the library to make sure you do not continue your illegal research here.”

I was filled with anger and realized I was about to lose my temper in a way I had only dreamt about. I slammed my hand down on the counter and the sound reverberated throughout the peaceful space. “You think I am a drug user? I only checked that book out about barley because I was curious about its nutritional value,” I yelled. “Nutritional value!!” I repeated in a loud, angry voice, with my fist raised for emphasis. 

I saw the stunned looks on the faces of those pudgy librarians. “I won’t pay your stupid fine! Suspend my card? Never. You'll have to pry it out of my cold dead fingers. I won’t ever stop coming to the library. I will be writing my congressman. This…. is….. not…. over….” I yelled my parting threat to the stares of everyone in the library. I raged out the door.

My chest was tight with anger and I panted for breath. I slowly began to realize I was dreaming the whole horrible thing. Dreaming.

I woke slowly in my own warm bed, far from the echoing library. My first groggy thoughts were: Did I really get my library card taken away? ………………… Did I really yell in the library? ……………………….Oh, no! Do I have a $38 fine on an over-due book? …………………….What time is it? 5am. ………………………………..Oh, brother, I am going back to sleep……

And as I drifted back into a calmed sleep, Does barley really have a barbiturate effect?