Like the scary part of a city, there are topics my brain avoids thinking about. Or maybe it is my heart avoiding things. Too scary, too many unwanted emotions.
Losing a child is one of those topics. As a devout Christian I know my children are a gift from the Lord. They belong to Him and are treasures to care for, but not to own. I can neither control the breaths that pass from their lungs or the beating of their hearts, God numbers our days (Job 14:5).
As we talked, she mentioned 3 children, not 5.
"Where are your other 2 children?" I asked naively.
"With the Lord dear. Our God is so good. He allowed us to have them for a time and those moments were so precious." She told me that one of her daughters died at age 17 from a terrible illness and another daughter died in middle-age from a painful disease.
I left the blueberry patch, the scary topic I avoided was swirling relentlessly through my mind.
Could I trust God's goodness like that? Did I want to? I felt as though my vigilant worry over my children belonged to me -- the right of a mother. My heart argued with this new idea. How to trust God with my children's lives.
I shared lunch with my husband the same day and I told him about my
I got ready to leave and go to our home about 4 miles away from the main farm. I gathered the precious children who consumed my thoughts. One, two..... where is three? I searched the farm yard yelling my oldest, Emma's, name for a few minutes. My father-in-law joined the search, then I made frantic calls on my cell phone to everyone else working in the area. "Have you seen her? Where is she?"
Absolute panic mounted as the minutes passed. Did she go on the road? Is she hurt? Did someone take her? The prayers whirled franticly. "Jesus no! Don't take her. Let us find her safe. I can't live without her. Jesus no. Jesus no. Jesus no." There were no thoughts about trust. No peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7). Just carnal fear that I was completely out of control and needed my little girl.
It was less than 15 minutes until we found her. She was standing in our driveway, 4 miles away from where we last saw her, next to a stranger's car. A 6 year-old's impetuous decision to walk home led a mother of 2 girls to stop on the side of the road and offer Emma a ride.... just as the woman saw a man in a pick-up stopping from the other direction. The understanding woman said it just didn't seem right and she was frightened for my little girl's safety.
God was watching over my most precious.
My hysteria took quite awhile to calm. My girl in my arms, our angel stranger thanked and hugged, I finally realized I was a million miles away from trusting God with the lives of my children.
"How do I trust you?" I asked a benevolent Heavenly Father. Where was the peace and trust the older woman spoke of while picking blueberries? I didn't have it. I knew that for sure.
Probably 40 or 50 decades older than me, this woman had not come to her resolutions in an instant. She probably had moments of doubt and panic and desperation as she saw not only one, but two of her children suffer and then die. Her doubts were comforted by the loving arms of a Savior. In her long life, God taught her, molded her, and guided.
I realized many things on the day when my daughter was lost. First, that I am not in control, even when I've taken every step to lectured ad naseum about stranger-danger, given my children swimming lessons, bubble-wrapped the coffee table corners, provided carseats, and driven under the speed limit since they were born. My vigilance is useful, but not omniscient. And my endless worry is useless.
And secondly, trusting in God for my children is a daily decision.
I no longer avoid the tumulus topic of trusting God my most precious little ones. When my thoughts wander there, when my heart threatens to seize up in its normal controlling nature, I thank God for His goodness. I thank God for the treasured blessings He has given me to raise. I also pray for my lack of faith. I need help learning to trust. This is daily, moment to moment. Trust and growth, "Help me Lord. Help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24).
A friend just gave me Mary Beth Chapman's book, Choosing To See. On my journey to embracing God's goodness and trusting Him with everything, including the lives of my children, I know this book will be inspirational -- I'm on page 5!
7 comments:
Oh, the panic!! When did this happen? Your poor heart and mind and soul. I can't imagine. Trusting that God knows best isn't easy.
Your post is wonderfully balanced, and I can speak from experience that you're right about the old lady.
We buried our daughter 8 years ago and it turned our whole world upside down. Where was the trust and belief in the Fathers will? I'm sure it was some tiny candle glowing in a closet somewhere, but in our time of pain we couldn't see it.
And recently my husband lost his job after 8 years of dedicated service to the mission. Our boys were so upset, they ran away early in the morning while we were still sleeping, they said "to go to Salem and get daddy's job back". When they didn't come down for breakfast we found their empty beds and started searching. My found them on the round going out of town. A man from church stopped them and was trying to talk to them about going home. The Father was looking out for them indeed. But when it was happening I was anything but trusting! I had already given him 1 child and I was not willing to barter for another!
I can say this, and I'm sure your old friend can agree. In His word the Father talks about bringing His sheep into the "fold" and if you research that, and what it was back then, it was a place of safety and refuge for the sheep. A place to rest and be cared for. All these things though are in the eternal spiritual realm. What He offers up to anyone who accepts is a place to rest in Him, and be safe in Him.
As hard as it is, we came to grips with the fact that we are not promised physical safety, or safety for our children, but we are promised eternal life and safety and rest in His "fold".
Fear of the death of a child is natural, because burying your own children is contrary to the usual order of things.
But in knowing the experiences of others and the scarey close calls you've experienced can serve as a reminder to live each day to it's fullest, serving the Father and your family.
Sorry for the long reply, but I hope this helps!
I cried when I read this one. Thanks for speaking words I never thought I had. You are a light..and gift to me!
Staci, thanks for your comment. Sharing pain and fears makes us stronger. Grows our faith too. I did not know you last a child 8 years ago. The pain I feel for you is real and it breaks my mommy heart. You KNOW this journey to trust. I really appreciate your honesty.
Ahh, words to write have escaped me, but I want you to know this hit home with me today. I am so thankful that your story had a happy ending. Thank you for sharing.
Wow, I don't know if you told me what you had been talking about that day! It was so scary as it was, but even more impacting with that background. I also appreciate Stacy's sharing her perspective.
wow...a nightmare for any parent. Thank you for sharing your honest feelings through all this...I read MB Chapman's book a few weeks ago. She, too, is very honest about her feelings through their tragedy. A must read book. I had been following her blog from the beginning and it was just a glimpse of her book to come.
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